The Parasol of Prettiness
by xirtadar
Summary: [Slash] [EveryoneJack] A kooky new Shen Gong Wu gets Jack in a crazy mess. Hilarity ensues! Also Mpreg. We're trying to get every Xiaolin Showdown fandom cliche into one story, basically. Also, sex.
1. Chapter 1

"Ok, here's the deal, losers," Jack snipped at the crew of misfits below him. "I'm going to take this Parasol of Prettiness Shen Gong Wu and there's nothing you can do about it."

Kimiko twirled one of her awkwardly placed locks, which were a deep auburn this week, and shouted back, "Oh yeah? I don't think so!" She jumped off the ground.

"Jack-bots: Attack!" Jack commanded gallantly from his hovering position. One of them hit his right shoulder while passing him, throwing him off balance and tumbling toward the ground. Wuya, who was looking on from the hillside, rolled her eyes. Raimundo, Kimiko, and Omi made quick work of the Jackbots, which seemed to get increasingly pathetic as time went on.

Clay walked over to Jack, who now lay crumpled on the parched earth of the Arizona desert and grabbed the lacey pink Parasol of Pretiness from Jack's twitching hand. "This is easier than taking candy from a two-ton baby walrus during the Icecapades," Clay announced, chuckling to himself.

"Not again!" Jack whimpered. Just then, a giant robotic vulture came swooping out of the sky and snatched the parasol out of Clay's gigantic hand.

"What was that?" Raimundo asked.

"Ha ha!" Jack laughed, picking himself up off the ground. "Another little surprise, losers." The vulture reached down with its metallic claws and picked Jack off the ground. "See you later." Jack said, waving and almost dropping the parisol. The vulture carried Jack back to his lab.

Back at the lab, Jack was very excited. Finally, the parasol of prettiness was all his! He rubbed his hands together and snickered evilly. "I'm really evil today," he said wistfully. "Soon, I'll have all of my enemies right where I want them." He thought for a moment. His mom had just made those really pretty cupcakes he liked, with the star-shaped sprinkles. "No!" he cried sinisterly, smashing his hand down on the table. "The time to act is now!" He picked up the obnoxious umbrella and held up open an aloft. "Parasol of Prettiness!" he cried.

Just then, he heard a crash. He looked at himself, but he didn't look or feel any different. Maybe this was another fake Wu?

"JACK!" screeched a voice from above him.

"Ahhhh!" Jack shrieked, jumping behind his work table. "Wuya! Dammit! Don't do that!"

"Don't do what?" asked the Heylin sorceress as she smoothed out her ridiculously large magenta hair.

"You know, freak the fuck out of me," Jack said suspiciously, inching toward his parasol to protect it from that stupid beyotch.

"Don't be such a baby, Jack," Wuya admonished. "After all, I bet you and I could make a productive team," she suggested. "Just hand over that sparkly new Wu of yours, and we'll be conquering the world in no time."

"Why do you want it?"

"It's very powerful," Wuya said. "An imbecile like you couldn't possibly know what to do with it."

"I'm not an imbecile," Jack whined. "I'm a genius. And I have a very good plan that I don't need _you_ around screwing up."

"And just what would that plan be? Lose the parasol to the monks in a showdown? I don't think so. Hand it over!"

"Make me!" Jack snarled. Wuya grabbed for the Wu and Jack pulled away, but he was too late. The parasol began to glow a bizarre rainbow color.

"All right, Jack," Wuya snarled. "I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown."

"Ugh, fine," Jack agreed. "But let's make this quick." They did. Nearly three minutes later, Wuya was leaving with her Ruby of Ramses, Jack's Glove of Jisaku, and the Parasol in question.

"Goddamn it!" Jack cursed. "My plan is ruined!"

"Pleasure doing business with you," Wuya said graciously as she vanished.

Just then, the eastern wall of Jack's lab collapsed as a tidal wave surged against it, caused by Omi's Orb of Tornami. Water lapped at Jacks ankles, which were shielded by his ridiculous boots. "What now?" he asked.

"We've come to get that parasol from you," Raimundo meandered. He was followed in by the rest of his crazy crew.

"You are no match for us, Jack Spicer," Omi blastulated, tucking the orb back into his robes.

"You're too late, guys." Jack whined, "I already lost it to Wuya, that conniving witch."

The Xiaolin warriors just stood there, mouths agape, staring at Jack.

"Did you hear me? I said I don't have it," Jack yelled.

Kimiko blinked. "Jack, have you lost weight or something?"

Jack replied, "Well, yes, thanks for noticing. I've been doing South Beach for about a month now, it's a miracle ... wait. Why do you care?"

"Jack," Clay stuttered, "You look finer than a fine-tooth comb at a Canadian sheep-shearing contest."

"Ummm..." Jack was confused.

"Yes." Omi went on. "I would like to non-vertically salsa dance with you right now."

"Don't you mean 'horizontal mambo'?" Jack asked. Just then the entire crew jumped on top of Jack, tearing his clothing off and smothering him. "I just can't get enough of you!" Raimundo screamed in a fit of passion.

"Oh, Jack!" Kimiko shouted.

"What is going on here?" Jack asked, to no avail.

"Get off me, you losers!" Jack shoved at the good guys, who were all tearing at his black coat. His meek, girly little arms weren't strong enough to defend the boy genius, because he didn't get any exercise or drink enough milk, despite his mother's protests. "I guess I'll have to do this the normal way," he sighed. "Vulture bot!" Jack's newest creation swept into action, saving Jack from the clawing hands of his tormentors.

Jack wasn't sure where to go. With his secret basement lair (which was only infrequently penetrated by his mother, who came bearing baked goods) infiltrated by the Xiaolin monks, Jack had few places to turn.

As he felt around the cracks in the side of a mountain, Jack hoped that he would gain entrance into Chase's lair without being crushed by anything. Finding his way in easier this time, Jack timidly stepped over the threshold. "Hello?" he called. "Chase? Are you there?"

"Yes," said a cold voice from above. Jack noticed dozens of glowing eyes emerge from the shadows that surrounded him. "I'm here, Spicer." Jack waited for Chase to admonish him, but the everlord did not. "Come closer." jack inched up to the bottom of the grand staircase. "_Closer_." Jack ascended the stairs until he was standing next to his idol and sometime-rival.

"Hi, Chase," Jack sputtered.

"Hello, Spicer," Chase Young replied, drawing Jack near with a gloved hand. "How perfectly nice it is to see you."

"Really?" Jack asked. "It's not usually nice to see me."

"Well," Chase purred, "I just noticed what a beautiful young man you are."

"Uh ... thanks."

"Tell me, what brings me the pleasure of playing host to you this evening?"

"Well, Chase, sir--"

"Sir?"

"It's the monks. They attacked me in my lab and, well, I didn't know who to go to for help, since Wuya absconded with my Parasol of Prettiness."

"Wuya tells me she won that Wu fair and square," Chase said calmly. "And anyway, Spicer, I don't think you need it. You're such a pretty boy already." Jack looked down to find that Chase was making quick work of Jack's Helibot.

"You won't be needing this," Chase said sinisterly. Jack whimpered.

Chase continued to remove Jack's accessories, moving on to his clothing until Jack stood before him, naked. "Oh, my," Jack shivered.

"You look so beautiful. Everything about you, and your beautiful body, is, well, pretty," Chase continued.

"Oh, well, thanks," Jack continued, insecurely.

Chase began to circle Jack's pale nipples with his fingers, much to Jack's delight. The stimulation was beginning to turn him on -- not to mention his undying crush, which usually gave him a hard-on whenever he was within a 50-foot radius of Chase Young, the hottest thang eva.

"You're so hot, Jack. I can't believe I've never noticed this before, but you are incredibly sexy."

"Oh, I know. I'm a sexy boy genius. I mean, an evil boy genius. I mean, a sexy evil boy genius."

"Just shut up." Chase commanded, reaching down to Jack's nether regions, massaging his rapidly engorging member. Jack moaned.

"Your penis is so beautiful," Chase uttered.

"Well, I'm sure your penis is beautiful too."

"Oh, would you like to see it?"

"I sure do! You have no idea!"

"All right, here you go," Chase said as he undid his complicated robes, revealing quite the amazing specimen of masculinity, an eight-inch beauty.

"Oh, wow," Jack uttered, mostly speechless. He had fantasized many a night about finally consummating his imaginary marriage with Chase Young, and now it was finally happening. He reached down and touched Chase's love-shaft. Chase shuddered.

"It feels so good when you do that." Chase said.

"Well, it will fell even better when I do this," Jack said, kneeling down and wrapping Chase's beautiful penis with his petite little mouth.

"Oh yeah," Chase moaned. Jack continued by bobbing his head up and, licking and loving every minute of it. This was like a fantasy come true for Jack.

Chase was totally digging this hot man-on-man action. Usually he only had sex with Wuya, and sometimes his warrior jungle cats. But only when he was a lizard. "Spicer," Chase moaned, looking down at Jack's wiggly bottom. "Cease this fellatio."

Jack looked up, confused. "But I liked it," Jack whined. His eye makeup was kind of melting off of his face so that it was streaked across his cheeks. It kind of made him look like Wuya. Chase found this kind of ... pretty.

"I think I can give you something you'll like more," Chase said sternly, making his way around to Jack's behind. He suddenly grabbed Jack's ass, which was insanely perky, even by fan porn standards. Chase reached around to cup Jack's testicles with one hand, while his sucked the index finger of the other into his mouth. He withdrew it and quickly plunged it into Jack's tight arse.

"Ah!" Jack yelped. The pain was intense. He felt Chase's finger wiggle its was around while he writhed in agony due to the gigantic size of Chase's half-lizard index finger. Suddenly, Jack felt an intense burst of warm sensation wallop his senses. Ah!" he screamed again, this time in delicious pleasure. "What is that?" Jack asked, panting and simultaneously trying to maneuver his anus back into the right position on Chase's now-double-fingered attack on his virginity.

"Your prostate," Chase growled. "Isn't it just the greatest?"

"Yes, yes!" Jack cried. "Please, Chase, I don't know why you picked now to be interested in me, but I've loved you forever! I don't know how much longer I can last. Please!"

"You're an annoying little gnat." Chase withdrew his fingers. "But for some reason, I suddenly find you irresistible. Anyway, my cock is truly enormous so at least I know that if I suddenly hate you again after we're done here you'll be in a gargantuan amount of pain."

"Oh, god, I don't care!" Jack moaned. "I can't stand this emptiness. Please fuck me!"

Chase obliged, slicking his wonderful cock with a glob of KY, which he generally had his jungle cats pick him up at the local Target. Jack sighed a great sigh of relief. He tried to position himself on Chase's member so that his prostate would be stimulated again.

"Do you want me to fuck you?" Chase asked, slightly angling his hips so that Jack wouldn't get any satisfaction whatsoever because he was totally a jerk. Jack didn't even say anything. He just moaned. "Spicer! Answer me!"

"Yes," Jack pleaded. "Yes, Chase, I need you. Please, fuck me." Chase withdrew from Jack's anus, which was the tightest and hottest place Chase's cock has ever been. As he drew out and pushed back in, he felt Jack's formerly virgin sphincter delightfully squeeze every hot spot along the length of his tool.

After several minutes of rapid humping and moaning the dynamic duo were spent. Chase collapsed on top of Jack after releasing what seemed like a gallon of spooj in Jack's bottom.

"Wow," Jack uttered, bringing one of his delicate white fingers up to his mouth for effect.

"Shut up," Chase shot back, the afterglow quickly fading.

"Huh?"

"Get out of my sight. You disgust me," Chase scolded, throwing a cloak over Jack's sweaty carcass while getting dressed himself.

"But I thought you said I was beautiful! I gave up my rearginity for you!" Jack started to tear up. His makeup was starting to run again.

"Yeah, whatever. Never call me." Chase left Jack in a quivering puddle on the floor.

Jack lay there crying until a ghostly presence entered the room. "Wuya?" Jack asked.

"Get yourself together, you sniveling pile of uselessness. Another Shen Gong Wu has revealed itself."

"What is it?" Jack half-cried, half-asked.

"The Cataclysmic Metronome. Those awful Xiaolin monks are probably already there getting it right now. Hurry!"

"What does it do?" Jack asked, already lacing up his boots.

"It allows the user to play 'Chopsticks' ceaselessly," Wuya informed her wayward minion. "With this Wu, we can finally annoy those Xiaolin monks until they're driven insane and simply allow me to take over the world." Wuya looked at Jack and wrinkled her nose. "Jack!" she shrieked.

"What!" Jack shrieked back.

"Have you suddenly gotten much less pretty?"

Jack looked at Wuya, and then at the floor, and then back at Wuya. Then, he suddenly burst into tears. "It's true!" he wailed. "Chase and I made love! Sweet, beautiful, endless love! And now he hates me!"

"Oh," Wuya cooed. "You poor, poor baby." She tapped her foot impatiently. "Now let's go get that Wu!"

"He said we were work friends!" Jack continued to sob. "But I wanted to be real friends, and also life partners!" The pathetic boy genius sniffed. "Do you think anyone will ever love me?"

Wuya, arms akimbo, looked down at her sniveling minion. "Jack, I don't know if anyone will ever love you, but I can tell you this: If you don't get off your sorry behind--"

"Which really hurts right now!" Jack moaned; Wuya cringed, and continued:

"Go get me my Wu!" She turned to leave the room. When she was almost out the door entirely, she turned back to Jack. "Don't feel too bad, Jack. Maybe he'll leave you with a little present."

"You mean like an STD?"

"You fool! Don't you know what the Parasol of Prettiness does?"

"No."

"Oh." She shrugged. "Now get me my Wu, or I'll make sure you regret the day you were born!"

"Wait!" Jack shouted. "What does the Wu do?"

"Look, it makes you irresistible, and not only to the opposite sex."

"You mean Chase wasn't really attracted to me? It was just the Wu?"

"That's not it. Whoever you do have sex with, you will bear their child."

"Bear their child? But I'm a boy!"

"Look, Jackie-poo, it doesn't matter. We really don't have time for this. You're pregnant, get over it. It's time to get my Wu."

"I'M PREGNANT!? OH MY FUCKING GOD!"

"Jack, my Wu."

"Why do you need _me_ to get the Wu for you? You're not a ghost anymore."

"Oh yeah, that's right. Fuck you, Jack. I'm getting it for myself."

"Go ahead, Wuya, I've got bigger problems."

Wuya whipped around and left Jack in a quivering puddle on the floor.

"Mo-om!" Jack yelled. His mother marched down the stairs dutifully.

"What is it, Jack?"

"I'm pregnant!" Jack wailed and warbled at the same time.

"You're ridiculous. Have these cupcakes," his mom said, leaving a platter of cupcakes by him. She turned around and left the basement. Before she left she said, "It's your father's and my anniversary so don't come upstairs for the next week. Capisce?"

"Capisce," Jack moaned. His life was already horrible, but now it was worse. Who did he have to turn to now? Certainly not his parents. Certainly not Wuya and certainly not Chase. That only left the Xiaolin monks, his sworn enemies. Would they be willing to help him? Jack sure hoped so, because right now they were his only option.

Jack trudged through the gate of the Xiaolin temple. Usually, he only came to steal their wu; once, he had actually stayed on as an apprentice. Now, he wasn't really sure why he was there. The temple grounds were eerily calm.

A shrill cry broke through the silence. Jack seized for a moment as a yellow blur landed in front of him. "Jack Spier!" cried Omi, dragon of the water. "Surrender now, or face a most humiliating defeat! We will not allow you to steal our Shen Gong Wu!"

Jack sighed, pushing Omi aside. "I'm not here to steal your Wu," he said morosely. "I've got bigger problems right now."

"Have you decided to abandon your Heylin ways?" Omi thought for a moment. "I mean, again?"

Jack shrugged. "I've got a pretty big problem. I slept with Chase, and--"

"You and Chase Young sleep in the same bed?" Omi cocked an eyebrow.

"Not usually."

"I did not realize you and Chase Young were so close!"

"We're not, really. I don't think he likes me very much."

"Once, when I was very tired, I feel asleep in Kimiko's bed."

"Yuck. TMI, baldy. I don't want to know about you and that permanently PMSing Harajuko freak."

Omi gave Jack a strange look. Then, he smiled. "You are a funny man, Jack Spicer."

"Maybe I should be talking to one of your older and wiser comrades."

"I have no older comrades. We are all the same age."

"Uh huh."

"Nevertheless, I will take you to Raimundo."

Raimundo, fearless Shoku warrior and leader of the Xiaolin monks, was having a difficult time accepting that Jack was pregnant. "Have you taken a pregnancy test?" he asked, befuddled.

"No," Jack whined. "But, Wuya said--"

"Would you really listen to Wuya?"

"Sure," Jack shrugged. "She's not a liar. She's kind of a beyotch, but she's not a liar."

"Jack, she's Heylin."

"Watch it, tacohead," Jack sneered. "I'm Heylin."

"One, we don't eat a lot of tacos in Brazil. And _two_, you came here looking for our help, so I suggest you make nice."

"I'm not a freezer."

"I said nice, not ice. Now let's go ask Master Fung about this Parasol. Maybe it'll turn out that Wuya was lying, and that you're not pregnant."

"I sure hope so."

Master Fung frowned as he looked down at the miraculously animated scroll, "It is true, Jack Spicer, you are most likely pregnant. But only if you allowed Chase Young to sperm inside of you. Did you?"

"Well, yes," Jack answered, blushing.

"This is very bad," Omi chimed in.

"Oh, this is awful. I can't be pregnant!" Jack wailed pathetically.

"Well, you are," Raimundo discouraged, "So you had better get a hold of yourself.

Jack Spicer looked around at the Xiaolin monks, "Will you guys help me? I am utterly at your mercy. I know I haven't been good to you all, but I'm in trouble!" His pleadings were the most pathetic thing the monks had ever heard.

"Well," Omi answered, "I guess _I_ am willing to trust you, even though you have promised to be our friend before."

"I mean it this time!" Jack answered.

"Okay!" Raimundo shouted, "But you have to clean all of our underwear again."

"Even Kimiko's?" Jack pleaded.

"Especially Kimiko's," they all responded in unison, creeping Jack out to the max.

Much later, after months of the lowliest servitude imaginable, Jack had earned the monks' trust. Hew was also starting to show, much to the surprise of Kimiko, who had held out in thinking that it was impossible for a male to become pregnant.

"I just don't think it's possible," she would tell Jack, while commanding him to scrub her personal bidet yet again.

"Kimiko," he would respond, "It's Wu-begotten, that makes it an exception to all the rules."

"Let's just say I'll believe it when I see it."

Now it was obvious that Jack actually was pregnant. He could no longer button his trench coat and even his boots were feeling a bit tight. He spent most of his time in a loose fitting robe he had borrowed from Clay, who had been curiously kind during this whole ordeal.

"Do you want your cheddar popcorn now?" Clay asked, entering the ridiculously cramped little straw box that all of the monks, and now Jack, lived in.

"No," Jack whined. He was playing his DS Lite and listening to Kraftwork on his ridiculously large and outlandish Sony noise-canceling headphones. Also, because of this, he had to scream.

"Stop screaming, partner," said Clay as he sat down on the cold Xiaolin temple floor next to Jack's hideously uncomfortable straw mat. "I can hear you loud and clear."

"Well, I can't hear you over this music, loser," Jack snotted, removing his headphones. Just then, Kimiko popped into the cubicle.

"Hey, Pimlico," the evil pregnant genius whined, making a clever wordplay with the Tube stop nearest the Tate Britain and the name of the Xiaolin dragon of fire.

"My name is Kimiko," Kimiko said drably. "Listen, Jack, I don't know where to find you a bed that'll fit in this cubicle."

"Maybe you haven't looked hard enough," Jack suggested.

"Maybe you should go home and live with you parents."

Jack paused, looking between the two monks. "Ohhhhh," he said uneasily, putting one hand on his six-months-pregnant middle. "I think I just felt the baby kick. You guys want to feel?"

"Ew, no," said Kimiko. "And stop avoiding my question!"

Jack looked at Clay pleadingly. "Having you around is getting a mite annoying," he rambled.

Jack sniffled, and it seemed like he might cry. "You hate me?" he asked.

"No, partner, we don't hate you. We just want to know why you don't go home to your parents is all."

"Or Chase," Raimundo added, sticking his head under the clapboard screen that made one wall of Jack's cubby. "Aren't you planning on telling him you're carrying his disturbing lizard baby?"

"Well," Jack began, hoisting himself upright as Omi dropped down from the ceiling. "Those are all great issues, and they each deserve a copious amount of exposition."

"Well?" Omi asked impatiently, tapping his fingers on his forehead in an odd manner. "Tell us."

Jack broke into tears, "Chase hates me! He's always hated me. The only reason he slept with me was because of that stupid Wu, which I don't even have anymore. As soon as its effects wore off he cast me out."

"Oh, that is very sad," Omi said soothingly.

"What about your parents? Why can't you go to them?" Kimiko blurted out obnoxiously, drawing attention to her hairdo du jour, which was a beehive affair gone wrong.

"Well," Jack said sniffling, "If they knew I slept with a man, they would kick me out, so it's better that I just kick my self out and don't tell them."

Omi opened his eyes very wide, "You mean to say you have not exited the wardrobe yet?"

Everyone knew what he was trying to say and just rolled their eyes. Jack looked at him with contempt, "No, lemonhead, I haven't come out to them yet. I can't. Not ever. They're Mormon."

"Oh, I see," said Master Fung as he suddenly appeared with a tray with tea on it. "Here, let us all drink this tea. It will make us all feel much better.

A few weeks later Jack was really beginning to show. He had started borrowing clothing from Clay, which even in his enlarged state were like wearing a tent for Jack. Suddenly he heard a loud clap of thunder and Wuya appeared before him. She too was quite round, but apparently she was able to get herself to A Pea in the Pod and didn't have to resort to borrowing clothes from a humongous Texan.

"Hi, Wuya," Jack sneered, covering himself protectively.

"Oh, sob, I'm not going to hurt you, pathetic boy."

"How do I know that?"

"You don't," said Wuya. "Except that I just told you."

"Well, I'm happy to see that you fucked up with the Parasol of Prettiness, too," Jack meandered.

"I didn't need the Parasol of Prettiness to get Chase to sleep with me, Jack," Wuya corrected. "We were sleeping together for realzies way before that Wu revealed itself. I just came over to make you jealous."

"Well," Jack sniffed, his ridiculous eyeliner beginning to run. "It totally worked!" Jack burst into tears and ran back into the temple.

About an hour later, Raimundo tracked Jack down. "Hey," he said calmly.

"Hey is for horses," said Jack.

"That's kind of funny," Raimundo shrugged. He thought everything was kind of funny because they didn't have humor in Brazil. But just kind of, not really, really ha-ha funny. "Are you done sulking now?"

"Why does Wuya also have to be pregnant? I really hoped that giving birth to Chase's children would make him like me, but now I know that he's never going to like me. Why, why won't he like me?" Jack erupted in hysterics again, pulling his hair and letting spidery rivers of black flow down his ivory cheeks. "It's not fair!" he emoted.

"I don't know, Jack," said Raimundo comfortingly. "What's Chase got that's so great?"

"A big mountain palace with a doorway shaped like a tiger. The ability to turn into a lizard. A huge, huge, huge penis."

"How huge?"

"Huge." Jack smiled sadly. "Man, that was painful. But also great. Greatly painful. Man, I wish I were having sex right now."

Raimundo got a devious look in his eye.

"Jack," Raimundo slithered, "I've always wondered something and maybe you can help me with it."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Jack snipped back.

"Well, I've always wondered who has the biggest penis, me or Chase Young."

"Look, I can pretty much tell you it's him. He has the biggest penis I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of penises. I mean, oh shit."

"Well, I'm still curious, and since you've seen Chase's penis, I was wondering..." Raimundo trailed off, starting to blush.

"You want me to take a look at your penis and tell you how much smaller it is than Chase's?" Jack asked matter-of-factly, as if people asked him to look at their penises every day.

"Yes, if you wouldn't mind."

"Okay, whip it out. I promise not to laugh." Jack was lying. He assumed that Raimundo's penis would be tiny, but boy was he wrong.

Raimundo unzipped the fly to his khakis, revealing his lack of underwear. Underneath some closely cropped brown pubic hair was the largest penis Jack had ever seen. It was at least twice the size of Chase's and three times as thick. "Well?" Raimundo asked, content with the shocked expression on Jack's face.

"Holy Jesus on the Cross!" Jack yelped. "That thing is a monster."

"Yeah, sixteen inches of prime-quality Brazilian beef."

"Eww, never call it that," Jack paused, reaching out his hand. "Can I touch it?"

"Yeah, sure, you can do whatever you want to it."

"Really? Wow, if I had known I would have joined you good guys a long time ago."

"Who knew you were such a size whore?" Raimundo whispered under his breath.

"What was that?" Jack asked.

"Um, just put it in your mouth."

"Sure thing, leader."

All of the other monks were really pretty upset with Jack and Raimundo's steamy affair. Raimundo was becoming easily distracted, and Jack was just a worthless sack of crap even when he wasn't bursting at the seams with Chase Young's love child.

"It is not fair!" Omi squealed at breakfast. "Raimundo was picked to become our leader, and now he is wasting all of his precious time dally-dillying with Jack Spicer!"

"I think they're more than just dilly-dallying," Clay nodded knowingly. "Have you seen the way they look at each other? I've never seen Rai look at anyone with so much, er..." Clay thought for a moment. "Combined lust and desperation."

"What about that time we watched Kimiko take a shower?"

"Yeah," said Kimiko, fuming. "What about that time you watched Kimiko take a shower?"

"It was mainly Raimundo's fault," Omi explained. "He said your porcelain skin was beautiful like a doll's."

"He was very complimentary," Clay confirmed. "Who would've thought he'd fall for a boy?"

"I don't know," Kimiko shrugged, momentarily letting her faghaggishness overtake her outrage at having been featured on "Jack was pretty much a girl before he got pregnant. Now he's just a genderless blob of nothing."

"True," agreed Omi approvingly.

"True, but he's also Raimundo's genderless blob of nothing," Clay reminded the group. "So let's try to go easy on him."

Raimundo's genderless blob of nothing was lying on his terrible little straw mat while all of the monks were training. Raimundo usually came back from training all hot and bothered, and Jack was beginning to grow accustomed to needing to be pounded rather thoroughly at the same time every day, and then several times after that. He checked his watchbot, which was just a big alarm clock with a laser on it.

Just then, Raimundo stumbled in. "Hi Jack," he said saucily, removing his robes. "I'm all sweaty and disgusting from monk practice. Take your pants off." He wiggled his eyebrows like the swarthy cassanova he was.

"Oh good," Jack panted. The he paused. "But first, I want to have a really serious talk about our relationship."

"Dear god no."

"Oh, yes."

"Can it wait until after we have sex?"

"No, silly," Jack giggled, sitting up. "I'm worried that we're just together because I'm so incredibly attractive, and you can't keep your hands off of me. After I give birth to this baby, I'm going to be all awkwardly bloated and have stretch marks. Probably my nipples will constantly bleed from nursing, and I'll have the most annoying inability to relax. And what then? Will we stay together? And what about this baby?"

"Look, Jack. I don't want to hear about your bleeding nipples and inability to relax. Once you've had your baby I don't want anything more to do with you. Capisce?"

"What? Really?"

"Look, man. I have a very particular fetish: possibly albino pregnant redheaded males. Currently, I find you irresistible, but once you're not pregnant anymore, I will no longer find you attractive."

"Not even a little bit?"

"No, it would be the same as if you dyed your hair or used self tanner. Take one thing out of the equation and you might as well be a pile of dog doo. My advice is that you get it while the going's good."

"But who am I going to raise this awful child with?" Jack asked desperately.

"I would ask Omi. He's more of the paternal type. Now, can we fuck yet?"

"Yeah, sure." Jack offered up his extremely perky bottom, but his all wasn't in it. He was distracted. He kept trying to think of ways to seduce Omi.

"Omi!" Jack wailed pathetically.

"Yes, Jack Spicer. What do you want?" Omi's little round head appeared presently.

"I need to ask you a favor," Jack said.

"Yes, anything."

"I want you to be the godfather of my child."

"What does that entail, Jack Spicer?"

"You know, I don't really know. You've just been so nice to me these past few months. I really want you to be a part of this baby's life when he or she is born."

"Shouldn't you be asking Raimundo? He is the leader, and your, er, _lover_."

"Raimundo's a jerk. I don't think he would be a very good influence on the baby. I want it to be you."

"Well, I cannot really refuse."

"Do you want to help me come up with baby names? What should _we_ name her if it's a girl?"

"How about Beulah?" Omi offered.

"Ew, no. That's awful."

"I thought you wanted me to help."

"Um, I do. I'll, um, consider it."

"I can't wait to tell everyone that I will be your child's fairy godmother!" Omi exclaimed, hopping away at an alarming rate.

Jack just twiddled his fingers sinisterly. "All is going to plan," he said to his engorged stomach.

His stomach didn't talk back. But he kind of had to go to the bathroom, so he shuffled off to the outhouse, teetering on his swollen feet the whole way.

That night at dinner, Omi served Jack an extra heaping portion of mochi slathered in kimchi. "Thanks to Kimiko showing me on her computer machine, I have discovered what pregnant women enjoy eating," Omi babbled. "Since these foods are generically Asian, we had them at the temple. Enjoy!" Omi stood by the table looking quite pleased with himself, waiting for Jack to dig in.

"Listen," he began. He was going to follow up with, "cheddarhead, I'm not a woman, and I'm not about to eat that disgusting mess." He looked to Clay and Kimiko for help. Raimundo wasn't looking at him because he was focused on scarfing down his paella.

"I don't think Jack likes kimchi, Omi," Kimiko said gently.

"Yeah, little partner," Clay added. "I'm not sure what state I'd have to be in to eat that. Not that it doesn't look delicious," he added quickly, wanting to spare Omi's feelings.

Jack knew what he had to do. "No, guys, it's okay," he said sadly, digging in. "It's just what I wanted." Jack choked down the neon orange and pastel pink mess. "Yum," he said through a full mouth.

Clay, Raimundo, and Kimiko, who were all looking on in disgust, tried to eat their own food, but dinner was more or less spoiled for all of them. Omi, on the other hand, ate his rice happily. "Yes, Jack Spicer, I will not let your baby be born unhealthy. You will not be sorry I am such a competent fairy godmother. After all, it is like Master Fung says, the road to Argentina is paved with the brickwork of a thousand nights of solitude." Jack and the three other monks looked at each other and shrugged. Omi kept daintily eating his rice happily. After dinner, Jack walked around for an hour hoping he wasn't about to lose his lunch (which was really a euphemism for his dinner).

Omi approached him from behind, jumping up a few feet to tap him on the shoulder. "I am glad you enjoyed my cooking. It makes me feel much better about this whole godmother thing."

"Yes, you are quite the little cook, Omi. Almost as good as a chef as you are a warrior." Jack chuckled to himself at this remark. Batting his eyelashes he continued: "Anyways, you look really nice tonight."

Omi blushed in a way usually reserved for anime characters. "You are too kind, Jack Spicer. I am using a new moisturizing lotion, it helps with my dry skin."

"Hmmm, who would have thought the water warrior would have dry skin?" Jack pondered aloud.

"There is a lot about me that would surprise you," Omi admitted.

"Oh really?" Jack said, "Tell me something. I love surprises."

"Well, most people don't know this, but I think I'm in love."

"In love? With who?"

"I don't want to tell you."

"Come on, I promise not to laugh."

"Well, Jack Spicer, I am in love with you. I know that you and Raimundo have your thing, and I don't want to intrude on that."

"Oh, Omi! I'm so happy! I mean, Raimundo and me are actually over. It turns out he didn't really love me."

"Really?"

Jack leaned in and pecked Omi on the lips. "Yes," he whispered, "I'm all yours now."

Omi leaned in and kissed Jack again, this time more passionately. Their tongues intertwined.

Soon, Omi and Jack were the newest item on the Xiaolin social scene. "I am sorry, Raimundo, that I stole your crow," Omi said saucily one morning over breakfast.

"You can have him," Raimundo said distractedly as he poured over The New York Times Week in Review section. "Did you know that Tom Friedman is on vacation this week?"

"He's always on vacation," Kimiko moaned. "It's like they're paying him to write a book so it can end up on their best seller list."

"I know," Clay chimed in disgustedly. "And I can't figure out what in tarnation is the point of that workout section in the back of Thursday styles."

"Hello," Kimiko laughed. "Reaching much?" All three non-Omi monks chortled to themselves. Omi looked sad until Jack waddled into to the dining area.

"Ah!" he said happily. "Here is my little sparrow."

"Little nothing," said Clay. "He's looking wider than my pappy's thresher after the annual Houston farm equipment convention."

"Ew," said Kimiko.

"Hey, hey," Jack cautioned. "Watch it there, Billy Bob."

"Or you'll what?" Raimundo asked. Jack shrugged.

"Jack may be incapacitated with Chase Young's progeny, but I will kick your font."

"It's backside," Rai corrected. "Or ass, you know."

"No, I will kick your front. Right in the balls, like Jack taught me."

"That's right," Jack said, squeezing himself into a chair. "Anyway, if you turkeys are done kibbitzing, I have a problem: How am I going to give birth to this thing?"

"Do not worry," Omi said happily. "For you see, I have the perfect solution."

"Yes?" Jack asked, suddenly curious.

"Well, there are two most common ways for men to give birth. One is that you develop a magical, mystical vagina. It exists when you give birth, but then it miraculously disappears after."

"Ew, that sounds gross," Jack responded. The other monks nodded in agreement. They also thought a mystical vagina had no place between Jack Spicer's legs.

"Well," Omi continued, "The other is the ever-popular ass baby."

"That sounds much better," Jack said.

"But that'll be like pushing a hog through a dime," Clay similed.

"Whatever, it can't be any worse than getting fucked up the ass by Omi," Jack snapped back. Omi smiled.

"That is way too much information," Kimiko said, crossing her arms and leaving.

"Oh good," Omi said, "Now it's just us guys."

"And dragons!" said that stupid dragon thing that's always hanging around.

"Shut up before I step on you," Clay scolded.

"Okay, sorry, I didn't realize I was so greatly hated amongst the youth set," Dojo whined.

"Are you gonna quit flapping your gums or what?" Clay questioned.

"Yes," Omi added. "Dojo, you should make like a flower and pedal."

"Hey, Omi, your malapropisms are getting so out of whack that they're coming full circle and making sense," Raimundo asserted.

"I try," Dojo sniffed, wiggling out of the room.

"So," Jack said hesitantly. "What are we going to do today?"

"Several hours of training," Omi offered.

"Yeah, followed by what?"

"Meditation," Clay answered, whittling a piece of spruce to look like a javelina.

"That's boring as hell," Jack moaned. "Omi, I'm bored."

"Are you?" asked a creepy voice. "How pathetic. Spicer, you might as well throw yourself off of a cliff and be done wasting these young monks' time."

"Chase Young!" Omi bellowed. "You will not succeed with your evil plan!"

"Yeah," Raimundo added. "What is your evil plan?"

"No evil plan," Chase assured the boys. "I'm simply here to offer to solve Spicer's little problem."

"What little problem?" Jack asked, eating a slice of pie off of a plate balancing on his comically large middle.

"I think you should turn your child over to me, so I can raise it as a true Heylin warrior."

"Hey! I'm a Heylin warrior!"

"No, you're a pathetic excuse for a worm, and the only reason I haven't ended your misery yet is because I need you to deliver me my offspring."

"Well, you can't have my baby!" Jack shrieked.

"Yeah, what's the big idea, bursting in here and trying to take a babe away from its mama?" Clay interjected.

"I'm not taking anything," Chase rationalized. "I'm simply extending an offer."

"We will defend Jack's right to keep his child!" Omi cried. "Dragons, assume Wudai Orion formation!" Kimiko came bouncing back into the room to get in position, just as Jack screamed loudly and suddenly.

"Jack Spicer!" Omi cried. "Are you okay?"

"I think I'm having the baby!"

All of a sudden amniotic fluid came gushing out of Jack's bathrobe. "Oh god!" Jack screamed, shocked and kind of embarrassed..

Clay, wiping amniotic fluid off of his cowboy boots, remarked, "I haven't seen water break like that since my trip to Niagara falls in 6th grade."

Everyone just stared at him.

"What am I going to do?" Jack screamed, frantically tearing at his hair.

Omi took hold of him and shook. "Well, Jack Spicer, we must figure out how this baby will be shipped."

"Shipped?" Jack asked.

"He must mean delivered," Raimundo contributed.

"Ah." Jack nodded.

"Well," Omi continued, "Where did your water shatter from? Your asshole or a new magic mystical vagina that has developed?"

"Hmm, I don't think I've developed a new vagina," Jack answered.

"You'd better check, amigo," Raimundo said.

Jack opened his robe. All that he revealed was his pathetic little pale penis. Alas, there was no magical vagina for the baby to be delivered through.

Omi looked up at Jack. "Looks like you're having an ass baby! How excellent."

"Oh no!" Jack moaned. "This is going to hurt!"

"Like passing a walrus through a garden hose!" Clay added, much to everyone's chagrin.

"Let me help," Chase interrupted. "Believe it or not, I have experience with this sort of thing." Chase stooped down next to Jack. "Now, the key to delivering an ass baby is, it comes out the backdoor."

"Oh my god!" Jack bellowed. "These contractions are awful! How long does labor usually last?"

"Breathe through your nose," Chase ordered.

"No, breathe through your mouth! That's what pappy always said when we were delivering calves at the ranch."

"Seriously, Jack," Kimiko said, turning green. "Close your legs."

"No, keep them open! That's what my mother always said!" Raimundo added.

"Yeah, no wonder she had nine children," Kimiko mumbled.

"You take that back!"

"Make me!"

"Children, please," Chase groaned. "The birthing process is very delicate." Jack moaned. Chase grabbed his legs and forced them apart.

"Chase Young!" Omi squealed. "I insist you not handle Jack Spicer in such an intimate manner! He is my girl boo!"

"Uh huh," said Chase. "Anyway, Spicer, just push with the contractions.

"I've seen ER," Jack grunted. "I think I can handle it." Suddenly, he clenched his teeth as another contraction hit him. "Ah! No I can't!"

Nine hours and 17 wise sayings from Master Fung about patience and the cycle of life later, Jack was holding two baby boys -- identical twins. They each had Chase's black hair and orange eyes. "It looks like Spicer and Chase's eye colors combined or something," Clay said.

"That doesn't make any sense biologically," Jack said while trying to shove one of his exposed gray nipples into one of the baby's mouths. "Eye colors don't mingle like that."

"While this is all very fascinating," Kimiko purred, "what are you going to name the babies?"

"I hadn't really thought about it," Jack cooed at one of his babies. "Did we think about it beforehand? No, no we didn't. That's why we're 15 and sitting on a dirt floor breastfeeding."

"Uh huh," said Raimundo. "Do you have any ideas?"

"Glitter and Doom," Jack said definitively.

"That's dumber than riding English-style at the Calgary rodeo," Clay offered.

"What about Omi?" Omi suggested.

"What about Dojo?" asked Dojo, peeking out of Omi's tunic.

"Well, they're Chinese," Jack said.

"Half Chinese," Chase corrected.

"So I'll name one Won-Ton."

"You cannot name your baby that!" Omi squealed. "It is undeniably racist!"

"And inane," Kimiko added.

"Ugh, fine. Well, I just squeezed two babies out of my anus," Jack said, handing one of the babies to Kimiko and the other to Omi. "You guys name the other one. I'm going to bed."

"How about Chase Jr.?" Chase asked.

"Fine, fine, whatever. Goodnight, losers."

Jack went to sleep. His labor had exhausted him. Omi stayed by his side, watching the two twins sleeping in their crib. Jack snored loudly. It had been a long time since he had been able to sleep this soundly.

Chase stuck around for a while, but a jungle cat emergency drew him away after a few minutes. Apparently the kitty chow supply had been compromised by a mold issue. Chase cared about his jungle cats. He cared about them a lot.

All of a sudden, the wall of the temple crumbled. A cloud of dust ensconced the room. Jack woke up, coughing and sputtering all over the place. "Who awoke me from my peaceful slumber?" he asked to the cloudy room.

"It was me, Hannibal Roy Bean!" said Hannibal Roy Bean, waving his vine-like arms seductively.

"Hannibal Roy Bean!" Jack shouted, terrified. This was the evilest villain he and the Xiaolin Monks had ever encountered before. "What do you want?" he asked.

"I want your kids," Hannibal answered.

"You can't have them. Omi, help me!" Jack pleaded.

Unfortunately, Omi had been rendered ineffectual by one of Hannibal's fabulously awesome Shen Gong Wu.

"I'll take them now, if you please," Hannibal said.

"No!" Jack shouted, but it was too late. Hannibal Roy Bean had already left with his two newborn infants.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack wailed loudly. His entire world had crumbled before him. His two newborn babies were gone, stolen by Hannibal Roy Bean. Something was wrong with Omi, he was just sitting there motionless. Also, that great wall he had whitewashed just last month was now in smithereens. Clay came running in, robe open, pectorals heaving. 

"What happened in here? Looks worse than a dust storm at a pie-eatin' contest," Clay shellacked. 

"Hannibal Roy Bean stole my babies," Jack cried obnoxiously. 

"What's wrong with Omi?" Clay asked. 

"I don't know, he's frozen or something." 

"Frozen? We'd better take him to Master Fung. He'll know what to do." 

"But what about my babies?" 

"Once we defrost Omi or something we can worry about getting your lil' chitlins back." 

"But I'm worrying about it now!" 

"Look, my slow Texan brain can only worry about one thing at once, and right now that's Omi." 

"Fine, let's go to Master Fung." 

Clay picked up the statuesque Omi with one arm and the whimpering Jack with the other. That was one of the advantages of being twice the mass of all of his peers — the ability to pick them up and transport them. They burst into Master Fung's meditation room to find him upside down and twisted in half. "Master Fung?" Clay asked. 

"THAT AWFUL BEAN STOLE MY BABIES!" Jack wailed. 

Master Fung reoriented himself into a slightly less awkward yoga position, but Jack still found it difficult to have a conversation with someone doing Downward Dog the whole time. Master Fung spoke. "Hannibal Roy Bean is a force to be reckoned with for sure, but all of us working together will surely be able to defeat him." 

"But, sir," Clay interjected, "Omi's frozen. Look at him." 

Master Fung looked at him.

"There is only one thing to do, young monk (and also Jack Spicer)," the wise Xiaolin master counseled. "We must determine why Hannibal Roy Bean has kidnapped Jack Spicer's offspring, where he is, and what measures it will take to defeat him. But we cannot do this while Omi is frozen." 

"Excuse me!" Jack interjected, throwing his arms in the air like he just didn't care, which he didn't. "I don't care what we can't do when Omi is frozen. That little bowling ball isn't going to stand in the way of me getting my babies back." 

"I thought you and Omi had something special together, partner," Clay remarked. 

"Ugh," Jack gasped, exasperated. "I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. I just thought he'd be easy to mooch off of while I got back on my feet with the kids." Thinking of his kids made Jack a little teary-eyed. "Poor little Chase Jr. and Wonton! I bet they miss their mommy right now." At this, Jack fell on the floor sobbing. "It's not fair!" he moaned. "Why does everything always happen to me?" 

Master Fung untwisted himself and looked up at Clay. "Perhaps you should meet with Raimundo and Kimiko and formulate a plan." Clay nodded. 

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"So," said Raimundo. "Let me get this straight: Hannibal blaster through the temple wall, grabbed the babies, and left?" 

"Uh huh," said Jack. 

"And now Omi's frozen?" Kimiko chimed in. "Is there a Shen Gong Wu that can do that?" 

"The Sapphire Dragon doesn't freeze people, but turns them to sapphire," Raimundo suggested. 

"Do ya'll think Omi could be frozen in sapphire?" Clay wanted to know. 

"It's possible, but not probable," Kimiko concluded. "We've had possession of that Wu forever." 

"Well," Jack interrupted, getting annoyed that no on was paying attention to him. "There's no other known Shen Gong Wu that can freeze a person. And since Omi is frozen, by logic it seems that either Hannibal has gotten into your vault and used the Sapphire Dragon to freeze the little cheese puff, or he's using an alternate method. Right? Gosh, I'm so sick of being the smartest person in the room."

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Meanwhile, Hannibal Roy Bean had absconded with the tiny twins. They were nestled in the warm bottom feathers of Hannibal's favorite avian vehicle, a pelican. 

"Oh, my little pretties," he cooed at little Chase Jr. and Won Ton. "Little do you know what an important part you are in my master plan." He then began to laugh maniacally. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Chase Young will soon be my evil servant. Again, that is. I think. I actually don't remember. It's been such a long time." 

"Indeed," said Wuya from behind him. 

"Wuya! What are you doing here?" Hannibal sprouted. 

"Don't worry. I'm not here to ruin your evil little plan," Wuya sneered. "I'm here because I wanted to see Jack's despicable little runts." 

"Why ever would that be?" 

"Well, I want to know if the Parasol of Prettiness causes any birth deformities. It will be hard to tell any genetic abnormalities apart from Jack's genes, though." 

"You'll just have to do your best." 

"Yes, my little girl is going to rule the world one day," Wuya said. 

"A little girl? How do you know that? Some special Shen Gon Wu?" Bean asked. 

"No, you little pea. It's called an ultrasound." She rolled her eyes. 

"Anyway, you can see the children. They have ten fingers and ten toes. I don't think the Parasol of Prettiness had any adverse effects." 

"No, I guess not. So, out of pure curiosity, what are you planning on doing with them? You're not planning on raising them as your own?" 

"Oh, heavens no," Hannibal replied, waving his vine-arms in the air dramatically. 

"So?"

"Well," the bean drawled. "First I thought I'd send Chase a nasty note, 'I've stolen your children' and such." 

"Uh huh." 

"Then, why not sell 'em to the circus? I figure, circus could use some little runts to train up good as acrobats." 

"What makes you think Jack Spicer's offspring would be successful acrobats?" 

"Have you ever seen him figure skate? He's quite graceful." 

"Yes, once, during a Showdown. Poor thing, I don't think he'll be figure skating ever again. Twins are a bitch. His figure is probably ruined." 

"Just another upside of my evil scheme," Bean continued. "So, after I sell them to the circus, I'll use the money to send Chase a singing telegram, 'I've sold your children to the circus.' By this time, Chase ought'n t'be hopping mad, or at least murderously annoyed. So he'll call me up and say, 'You treacherous little imbecile, you sold my children to the circus.' And I will say yes, yes I did. And that's when he'll come attack me with his precious jungle cats. Little does he know I'm also planning to sell them to the circus. Then, left with nothing and no allies, I can finally defeat Chase Young, or convince him to join me, or whatever the end result of this preciously back-asswards schemin' is supposed to be." 

"What a brilliantly backward scheme, Hannibal!" Wuya crowed. "It makes no sense whatsoever, and yet it is undoubtedly satisfyingly evil." 

"I know, I know," Hannibal Bean clucked. "It's true. I am the greatest."

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Meanwhile, Jack was frantic with grief. The bumbling monks seemed to be no help whatsoever. Especially Omi, on whom he had depended for so long. Omi just sat there staring into space. So far the other monks had concluded that he wasn't made out of sapphire and he wasn't just being lazy. Omi was just mysteriously frozen, and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it. 

"Can't we just leave him here and go find Chase Jr. and Wonton without him?" Jack asked, his eyes bloodshot, which looked really gross because they were already red. 

"Absolutely not!" Kimiko insisted. 

"Well, can we stop pondering why he's frozen for five minutes and eat? I just gave birth! I'm starving," Jack snippped back, caressing his still enlarged midsection. 

"Want a churro?" Raimundo asked, generously offering a piece of fried dough. 

"I'm so sick of you and your churros, Raimundo," Jack screamed while stuffing the churro suggestively down his throat. 

"Ew," said Master Fung. 

"I think I may know the answer," said that stupid dragon thing. 

"What is it, Dojo Kanojo Cho?" Kimiko asked. 

"Well, there is a Shen Gong Wu that just revealed itself that would cause this sort of effect," Dojo replied. 

"But if it just revealed itself, how does Admiral Corporal Bean already have it?" Clay asked. 

"It's Hannibal Roy Bean, you dolt," Jack undercut. 

"Hannibal must have some sort of time traveling device!" Kimiko offered. 

"Well, we've got to get the Freezey Skeezey from Hannibal in order to reverse its effects on Omi," Dojo replied. 

"Can we get my two newborn babes back in the meantime?" Jack asked. 

"Maybe," said Master Fung, that jerk.

"There's still one problem," Dojo sighed. 

"What's that, partner?" Clay fumbled for a turnover. 

"We don't just need the Freezey Skeezey to reverse its effects on Omi," the dragon sighed ominously. 

"We also need the Reversing Mirror!" Kimiko figured out, glad to finally be of some use.

"That's right," Raimundo completed halfhearted. "And yet, Wuya's had that Wu for ages." He was beaming like an idiot. Everyone in the room gave him an expectant look. "Um ... amigos," he added sheepishly. 

"Okay!" Jack cried. "This is great shit! Let's go after Wuya." 

"First we need a plan," Kimiko interjected. 

"What is with you losers and your planning? When I do something, I just do it. I'm like Nike. Or a really effective politician." 

"Shut _up_, Jack," Kimiko retorted. "Maybe all of your plans suck and you fail at life because you don't think anything through." 

"Hey, I'm great," said Jack. "And that might be true. But it's not. And even if it is, you're all missing the most important point." 

"What's that?" all three human dragons and the dragon dragon asked together. 

"I WANT MY FUCKING KIDS BACK!" Jack screamed. Then he burst into tears. 

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Chase Young was busy working on his taxes when one of his jungle cat warriors (in jungle cat form) approached with something in its mouth. "Just wait right there a moment," he growled at it. "Let's see. Can I claim Spicer's little brats as dependents if I'm not paying to raise them, and they don't live with me? Is that legal?" The cat shrugged. "Well, I think I will. Stealing from the government is so ... EVIL." Chase checked off a box on the form he was filling out, and scribbled something down. "Excellent. Now, what's this you have for me?" 

The cat gave Chase the envelope in its mouth, which was disgustingly soggy with cat saliva. He opened up the envelope and mumbled aloud unintelligibly while he read to himself, as was his annoying habit.

"I can't believe this!" Chase grinned wildly. "I've been accepted to Julliard! I can finally fulfill my dream of being a world class oboist! Forget you, jungle cats!" The jungle cats frowned. Chase grabbed his oboe case and ran off to New York. Little did he know that the letter from Julliard was a fake. It was all a plan concocted by his arch-nemesis, Hannibal Roy Bea, to get him out of the way. What he had told Wuya was actually only a half-truth. He did plan on selling the babies to the circus, but telling Chase about their disappearance was not part of his evil plan. He knew Chase just wouldn't care. 

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By the time Jack and his crew of miscreant monks arrived to enlist Chase's help in the recovery of little Chase Jr. and Won Ton he was nowhere to be found. At that very moment he was currently entering the Julliard admissions department which he would later leave soaked in the blood of admissions officers. 

"Well, what are we going to do now?" Jack asked his comrades, "Without Chase's help how will we ever get the reversing mirror from Wuya and the Freezy Skeezy from Hannibal Roy Bean?" 

"Why don't you ask Wuya to borrow the reversing mirror? You and her used to be chummy and I'm sure she'll be sympathetic now that she's a mommy too," Kimiko suggested. 

"I guess it's worth a try, Jack answered. "She's just such a bitch, I doubt she'll help us." 

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A little girl that was born only a few days before. Little Tako was everything to Wuya, the center of her universe. When the Xiaolin monks (minus Omi and plus Jack Spicer) sauntered through Chase's palace looking for Wuya, they found her lazing about on the dragon lord's throne, doing a sudoku and humming along to Cheap Trick. 

"This is what you do on your days off?" Jack asked, arms on his newly enormous child-bearing hips. 

"I just had a baby," Wuya explained in her sexily deep voice. 

"Oh, yeah?" Jack cocked an eyebrow. "That makes two of us." 

"Don't look at me," Kimiko said stupidly. "Oh, right, Jack had a baby. How could I have forgotten about that important plot point?" 

"I know I never will," Jack sighed. "This inability to relax is just awful." Clay and Raimundo inched away from Jack slowly, wanting to distance themselves from the humiliation of being associated with Jack Spicer, evil androgynous trainwreck. 

"Enough of this boobery!" Wuya snapped. With a wave of her hand, several rock creatures emerged from the ground. "Tell me why you've come, and perhaps I'll spare your lives." 

At this point, Raimundo decided to speak up, since he was leader and all. Also, he and Wuya hooked up once. It was awkward for a while, but now they were cool. "We believe Hannibal Bean is on the loose, and that he's frozen Omi, and—" 

"—and he stole my babies!" Jack screeched. 

"How tragic," Wuya sneered, sitting upright in her throne. 

"We shouldn't have expected this no-good dirty witch to help us," Clay sassed, crossing his arms. 

"You haven't even told me what you want yet." 

"Oh, right," Raimundo said. "We need to borrow the Reversing Mirror." 

"What for?" Wuya asked suspiciously. 

"Does no one care about my children?" Jack asked, smearing some tears across his cheek, which left an attractive black smudge because he insisted on never appearing in public without makeup for some reason. 

"Why do you care about getting back your damn children?" Kimiko asked. "Omi is frozen!" 

"To hell with Omi!" Jack cried. "I want my babies! They're all I have!" With that, he burst into tears. 

"Sorry," Raimundo interjected. "He's been doing that all day." 

"I reckon more like the last ninth months," Clay suggested. 

"Well, we can't have him crying like that, can we?" Wuya stood up. "Jack! You sniveling boy, get up!" Jack looked up at Wuya and sniffed. "I am willing to assist you all." 

"Really?" Kimiko beamed. "That's awesome, thanks!" 

"Can we have the Mirror now?" Rai asked, palm open. 

"Fool!" Wuya cried. "Did you really think I would give you one of my Shen Gong Wu without asking for something in return?"

"Well, maybe. We'd do it for you." Kimiko responded. 

"That is because you are foolish young monks who have not yet learned the most important life lesson of all: Trust no one," Wuya scolded. "Now, I will gladly lend you the use of the Reversing Mirror in exchange for one — well … _two_ very small things." 

"It's yours, whatever it is!" Raimundo announced desperately. 

"I want Jack's children." 

"WHAT!?" Jack screamed. 

"My little Tako needs some playmates, and who better than her little half brothers?" 

"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY CHILDREN!" Jack screamed desperately, "Oh! You are so evil!" 

Wuya calmly replied, "You were once evil yourself, and look at you now: a sniveling pile of dirty black clothes begging to borrow one of my Shen Gong Wu." 

Jack picked himself up off the floor where he had been whimpering, "If you were more observant you would notice that I don't care about that stupid Shen Gong Wu. Omi can stay frozen forever for all I care. All I want is my children back." 

"Well then maybe we can come to some sort of agreement. Jack, are you willing to rejoin the Heylin side and take care of Hannibal Roy Bean with me?" Wuya asked. 

"Jack! Don't! You're one of us now!" Raimundo shouted. 

Jack looked at Raimundo, fleetingly remembering the gargantuan proportions of his member. Then he looked at Wuya, who seemed to have all of the power in this situation. "Screw you losers! I'm going back to being evil. It suited me better anyway." 

Everyone seemed really surprised, even though Jack seemed to switch from evil to good and then back to evil again almost every week. Wuya set her stone monsters on the monks who were chased away in a cloud of dust.

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The Xiaolin monks — minus Omi, and plus several gaping wounds in their tender young flesh — were huddled in the darkness of the cave, sheltered from the raging storm outside only by the fire Kimiko had started to keep herself warm. Frankly, Clay and Raimundo getting warm didn't matter to her at all, but if they were the recipients of some residual warmth from the fire anyway, that also didn't bother her. 

"Okay, I think we've lost the rock creatures," Raimundo announced. "They're powerful, but they're not very smart. It's a good thing Wuya can't create artificial intelligence like Jack can." 

"Yeah, but now that that dirty rascal's on her side, who knows what rotten schemes they'll come up with?"

"That's true," Kimiko threw in as she fiddled with the zipper on her bright orange vest. "And with Chase as well, and without Omi to help us, the Heylin side will be practically undefeatable!" All three monks were very glum about this. 

"Rai, you're leader," Clay said slowly because his thick Texan brain couldn't deal with thinking too quickly. "Got any ideas for how to get us out of this mess?" 

"Well," Rai began. "Since we no longer have to worry about getting back Jack's kids, we only need to worry about Omi." 

"But we need the Reversing Mirror for that, and Wuya's made it plain she's not interested in helping us," Clay countered. 

"Not unless we have something she wants," Kimiko announced. "And what's more important to Wuya than anything else?" 

"Shen Gong Wu?" Raimundo asked. 

"Bacon?" Clay guessed. 

"What? No, you boys are stupid." They both stared at her blankly. "Her daughter! If we kidnap the baby, we can use it as a bargaining chip to get the Reversing Mirror." 

"Isn't that pretty evil?" Clay asked. 

"I admit, it sounds dirty," Raimundo conceded. "But we're the good guys. We're not going to _hurt_ the baby. Besides, sometimes to defeat evil, you have to think like evil." 

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Back at Chase Young's lair, Wuya was introducing Jack to baby Tako. "Isn't she great?" Wuya asked, arms crossed. 

"I wish I had my babies," Jack sniffed. "When will Chase get here to help me get my babies?" 

"Yes, yes, about that," Wuya said, putting the baby back down in her crib. "It seems that I've ... accidentally secretly allied myself with Hannibal." 

"What?!" Jack cried. "Does _Chase_ know?" 

"No, and I'd prefer it if he didn't find out." 

"So what do you need from me?" 

"I need you to help me think of a way to rid this franchise of that anthropomorphic legume forever." 

"And just how am I supposed to do that?" 

"I don't know," Wuya shrugged. "You're the genius. Think of something. That is, if you even want to see your children again." 

"Oh, this is going to suck. I was going to start doing pilates this week. I need to get off this pregnancy weight." 

"Um," Wuya had to think of something quickly. "Whatever are you talking about? It looks good on you." 

"You really think so?" 

"Uh, yeah, you totally have a glow. Now get to work on a device that will defeat Hannibal Bean!" 

"Yes ma'am!" 

"Don't call me that."

"Fine, but I can't get into my laboratory anymore. My parents took my key." 

"That's just fine. Chase has a laboratory you can use." 

"I'm going to need to build a lot of Jack-bots in order to defeat that infamous bean." 

"Those things never work, Jack." 

"Well neither do your stupid Pet Rocks!" 

"Shut up, you miserable wretch," Wuya shouted, slapping him on the head. "With my stone monsters and your pathetic Jack-bots we should stand a fighting chance." 

"Let's get to work," Jack said, rubbing his head. 

Just then Chase Young stormed back into his lair. He let out a loud angry roar. Upon seeing Wuya lounging on his thrown and a quivering Jack standing in front of her he let out a low growl. "WHAT IS THIS MORON DOING HERE?" 

"His babies got stolen by Bean. He's rejoined the evil side," Wuya answered. Jack just stood there quivering even more. 

"Ugh, we don't want him," Chase rolled his eyes. 

Wuya looked at him disapprovingly, "I think he may be of use to us Chase." 

"Whatever, I need to go practice my saxophone," Chase said. 

"Oh? I thought you played the cello?" Jack asked meekly. 

"I also play the saxophone," Chase said glumly, marching off to his music room.

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The monks crept through the hallways of Chase Young's evil lair, searching for a nursery or a crib or something. "If you were Chase and/or Wuya," Raimundo began, "where would you keep a baby?" 

"Hey," Kimiko interjected. "Do you guys hear something?" 

"I reckon it sounds like a saxophone," Clay reckoned. 

"Ai ai ai," Raimundo sighed. "We don't have for this. Let's split up. Clay, you go this way." Raimundo indicated a hallway. "I'll go this way." He pointed down another corridor. "Kimiko, you stand guard here. If anyone comes down the hallway, stop them. Okay, everyone? Good. Break." Raimundo threw on the Shroud of Shadows and Clay transformed using the Manchurian Musca. 

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"Chase!" Wuya screamed, tearing into Chase's practice room. The evil lizard was banging out a jazzy tune on the piano. 

"What?" he growled, pummeling the keys with much hatred. "This had better be of the utmost importance." 

"Tako is gone!" Wuya cried. 

"What?" The Heylin witch nodded solemnly. "When it was just Jack Spicer's children, I didn't care. But if that miserable vegetative excuse for a villain thinks he can steal all of my children and get away with it, he's got another thing coming. No one steals from Chase Young — no one!" Chase transformed into a lizard and smashed the grand piano to bits, letting out an insane roar. 

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Jack was sitting in the lab by himself, fiddling with some JackBots. He hadn't built one for a long time, but he didn't think he was too rusty. "Not shoddy at all," Jack said to himself, activating the robot. The mechanical being sprang to life, beginning to hover a few feet above the table on which it formerly rested. 

"Hello, master," it automated. 

"JackBot," Jack commanded. "Begin program alpha-theta-omega: Seek and destroy Hannibal Roy Bean." Jack thought for a moment. "But not the babies! If he has babies with him, save those babies. And bring them to me!" 

"As you wish, master." 

"And also, if you have time," Jack added wearily, "bring me a breast pump."

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"Oh wow," said Wuya watching from behind. 

"Hey!" shouted Jack. "Can't a man have some privacy here?" 

"No, absolutely not," Chase snapped, jumping from the ceiling. 

"We now have renewed urgency in our mission," said Wuya. "Bean has taken my little Tako! We must go immediately and demand her back!" 

"What about my children?" Jack asked pathetically. 

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Meanwhile, the monks were back in their temple trying to calm the collicky Tako. 

"I don't remember tacos screaming this much in Brazil!" exclaimed Raimundo. 

"You had tacos in Brazil?" asked Clay doubtfully. 

"Yeah, sure, at Taco Bell," Raimundo shot back. 

"Oh my god! Clay, make that baby stop crying!" Kimiko screamed annoyingly. "I'm trying to curl my eyelashes here." 

Just then Dojo drifted in. "What is that racket?" he asked, voice cracking slightly. 

"We stole Wuya's baby and now it won't shut up." Kimiko snapped angrily. 

"This is not good! She's going to be pissed," responded Dojo. 

Dojo took the baby and started rocking it in the air. Somehow he materialized a pacifier and stuck it in little Tako's gaping mouth, which seemed to shut it up ... for now. 

"We need to send a messenger to Chase's lair and let our demands be known," Raimundo said. 

"Let's send Omi," offered Kimiko. 

"Just for that, you're going, Kimiko," Dojo added. 

"Shit!" 

"Here, you can use the Manchurian Musca," said Clay, offering the Shen Gong Wu to an unwilling Kimiko who took it and took off back to Chase's lair.

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Wuya, Chase, and Jack Spicer were all bent over Chase's orb, trying to determine the location of Hannibal Roy Bean. Everyone knew he had Jack's children because Jack had seen that crime take place right before his eyes. Now, however, it seemed he had also stolen darling little Tako. 

"That foul cretin!" Chase bellowed, honing in on Bean's location. "If he thinks he can steal all of my children—" 

"And mine," Jack squeaked out. 

"—even ones I don't like," Chase continued, giving Jack a deathly glare, "he's going to be sorely surprised when he learns not to mess with the likes of me!" 

"And me!" Wuya added, laughing insanely and reaching toward the sky as green bolts of energy shot from her fingertips. 

"And me!" Jack added, attempting to do some sort of triple-lutz-type move, but being as out of shape as he was, he just landed flat on his face a few feet away from Chase, Wuya, and the Palantir/Mirror of Erised/Eye Spy orb/whatever. 

"Spicer!" Chase barked. "If you are intending to come with us on this mission, you have another thing coming." 

"But," Jack sniffed, hoisting himself up off of the ground and stumbling up on his feet like a baby ostrich. 

"No buts, Jack," Wuya grimaced. "You weren't exactly bringing your A-game before you got knocked up, but now..." 

"Now what?" Jack cried. 

"Well, now you're just sad." 

"I thought I was 'just sad' before." 

"Well, you were just sad then, but now I guess you're..." Wuya thought for a moment. "Just sadder," she concluded, flashing a bit of fang from behind her curved smile. 

"Needless to say, you will not be accompanying us on our mission to rid the world of that useless little insult to the Heylin side," Chase said firmly, arms akimbo as they so frequently were. 

"But," Jack sniveled again. 

"No buts," Chase said harshly, as Jack noticed that several jungle cats were closing in around him. "Sphere of Yun!" 

Jack found himself imprisoned in an energy field. He began to sweat, and it occurred to him that he should probably check his makeup. "But, you guys will get my kids for me, right? Right?" In a puff of smoke and sinister laughter, Jack Spicer saw Chase Young and Wuya disappear, presumably to hunt after their daughter. "They wouldn't let the Jack-man down," Jack said to himself, but deep within his very core he knew they really, really would. Giving up hope, he curled up inside of the Sphere and began to weep.

Why was Jack always getting himself imprisoned inside spheres? This really was becoming a problem. Because it happened so frequently, however, he was very good at getting himself out of them. He stood up with one foot on either side of the sphere and started rocking like some severely autistic child. The sphere began rocking with him. Only a little at first, because it was quite heavy, but increasingly more until it began to roll on its own, spinning Jack around like he was some awful salad in a salad spinner. 

Jack had aimed the sphere at a big stone staircase that led down to a dungeon. The floors in Chase's pad were a little slanty because of their great age, so the sphere began to pick up speed as it approached the stairs. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jack screamed as the sphere went tumbling down the stairs. It landed at the bottom with a big crash. It didn't break, as Jack had hoped, and instead kept rolling. 'Shit,' Jack thought, as he began to feel increasingly nauseated. Onward the sphere rolled until it rolled right into an open cell where it crashed into an open cell, slamming into the wall shattering the sphere. 

As Jack picked his crumpled self off of the cold stone floor he watched the cell door swing shut, locking itself ominously. 'How am I going to get myself out of this one?' he asked himself as he walked over to examine the ancient door for any weaknesses. 'Just my luck,' he thought as he discovered there were none. Fortunately, he held concealed in his jacket a very handy Shen Gong Wu.

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"Hannibal Roy Bean!" Chase shouted, catching the mutated legume's attention. 

"Chase, my boy!" the bean responded. "Moby Morpher!" He grew to several thousands of times his size. "How nice of you to show up. And you brought my favorite showgirl along for the ride." 

"How perfectly flattering of you," Wuya purred. "But we're not here on a social call." 

"Well, to what do I owe the pleasure of your unexpected company?" 

"We believe you have something that belongs to us," Chase drawled, hands on his hips like usual. "And if you don't return her immediately, you can say goodbye to your precious pet." 

Wuya snapped her fingers and suddenly, she was holding the Ying-Yang bird. 

"Ying Ying!" Hannibal cried. "Really, madam, all this fuss over Jack Spicer's miserable runts? How uncharacteristically noble of you." 

"Spicer's children?" Chase asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"No, we're here for Tako." 

"Tako? What, you mean your baby?" 

"Yes, my baby!" Wuya screeched. "Where is she? If I'm not holding her in 30 seconds, my god, I'll squish you like the little bean you are!" 

"This is all a crazy misunderstanding," Hannibal drawled. "I haven't got your little Tako." 

"You don't?" Wuya asked. 

"Sorry," Hannibal shrugged. 

"Well, would you mind telling us who might?" Chase pressed. 

"I couldn't possibly," he began. "Unless it's one of your numerous _other_ enemies." 

"Other enemies?" Wuya asked. 

"Oh, you know, there's four of them, live in a temple..." 

"You're not seriously suggesting the monks have stolen my daughter..." Wuya drawled. 

"Would you put it past them?" 

Chase, who had been thinking silently for a moment with his eyes closed, opened his eyes. "All right, Wuya, release the bird." 

"But I was _so _going to enjoy squishing it!"

"Do as I say!" She did so.

"Thank you, Hannibal Bean. For once, you have proven yourself a most dignified adversary." Chase and Wuya were ready to teleport out of there when Hannibal interrupted them with a, "Wait! Can't I interest you in the fate of Spicer's children?" Both Chase and Wuya laughed at this. "No, you can keep them," Chase sneered, snapping his fingers and disappearing.

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Jack awoke to a kick in the side. "Get up, you sniveling wretch," Chase sneered. 

"What, where am I?" Jack asked, genuinely discombobulated. 

"I don't know how you got into my dungeon, but you somehow managed to." 

"Oh, I'm sorry, Chase," Jack said sarcastically. "I didn't think it was very nice to imprison me like that." 

"Oh. Who cares?" 

"Did you at least bring back my children?" Jack asked hopefully. 

"No, I specifically did not. I don't give a damn about those two little bastards." 

"Really?" Jack's eyes filled with tears. 

"Look, Jack," Chase said in a rare moment of kindness, "Bean took the babies so he could use them against me. Now that he knows I don't care about them you can probably go there and ask him for them and he will give you them back." 

"Oh, Chase! You're the greatest!" Jack said, smooching him wetly on the cheek. 

Chase looked disgusted. A jungle cat came up and licked his cheek. Jack skipped gaily out of the dungeons, on a quest for his children. He felt optimistic. He was back on his own, the way it had been in the beginning. He had no fake friends who were just using him for his laundry skills. 

Jack took activated his propeller-pack and flew to Hannibal's lair, where the disgusting bean was waiting for him. "Hello, Jack," said Hannibal. 

"Hi, Hannibal!" Jack said, batting his eyelashes. Flirting had always worked for him in the past — maybe it would work this time. "My, your tentacles look nice today." 

"They're vines," drawled the bean. "I've been expecting you." 

"You want to give me back my children? I knew it. They can be a handful." 

"Heavens no. Boy, you sure are slow." 

"But I thought that once you found out Chase wasn't interested..." 

"Boy, I can always use them against you." 

"Me?" 

"Yes you. I will give you back your children, but first I want you to drink this Lao Mang Lon soup."

"You want _me_ to drink Lao Mang Lon?" Jack could barely contain his excitement. He'd always dreamed of being permanently young, and beautiful, and an evil super villain. "Oh my god, I'm so flattered." 

"Silence!" Hannibal cried. "My dear boy, I can see you're eager to begin our solid evil partnership. But first, I need some help." 

"Then I can have my children back?" 

"Of course. I wouldn't dare keep them from their mama." 

"And I can drink that soup and become evil emperor of darkness?" 

"Of course!" 

"Eeeeee!" Jack could barely stop drooling, he was so excited. "Okay, okay. I'll do anything, Mr. Bean sir!" 

"Anything?" 

"Anything!" 

Hannibal cackled sinisterly. 

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"You young monks have certainly made trouble for yourselves," Chase Young drawled.

"Surrender the child now and perhaps I will spare your lives." 

"Oh, great," Raimundo moaned. "This is so not what we need right now." 

"What are we gonna do, partner?" Clay asked aloud. 

"I suggest you all do as I say," Chase intoned. "Otherwise, you will all fall prey to grim consequences." 

"There's something we want from you, first," Raimundo stated. 

"You Xiaolin are not in a position to negotiate." 

"What would you know about negotiation?" Kimiko asked, brandishing her Arrow Sparrow threateningly. 

"I know plenty," Chase said in a seemingly aloof manner. "Make me an offer, and perhaps I'll have a good chuckle before I defeat you all in battle." 

"We want the Reversing Mirror," Raimundo said flatly. "Surrender it, and we'll turn over the baby." 

"The Reversing Mirror is not in my possession," Chase said. "And anyway, why should I give you anything when I would just as easily fight you and take what I want?" 

"Do you want to test that theory?" Clay asked, balling his fists.

Three minutes later the Xiaolin monks lay crumpled in a pile, easily defeated by Chase. Little Tako was back in his possession, and now they had no leverage to use against him.

"How did he do that?" Kimiko asked, obviously flustered at her own incompetence. 

"Well, my grandaddy used to say," Clay calmly anecdoted, "never get between a mama possum and her young'ns." 

"I miss Omi. What are we going to do?" Raimundo asked. 

Kimiko pushed one of Clay's enormous arms off of her torso. She pursed her lips and then spoke, "Well, if Chase won't give us the Reversing Mirror, how can we get it from Wuya?" 

Just then Jack Spicer crashed through the roof with his helipack. "I've come to take Tako," he shouted, laughing sinisterly. 

"You're too late, man," Raimundo stated bluntly, looking down at the floor. "Chase already took her." 

"I was afraid of that. Well then, I need your help getting her back." 

"Why do you want Tako so badly?" Kimiko asked, "I thought you were obsessed with getting your own ugly babies back." 

"Hey!" Jack shouted. "I have to get Tako back and give her to ... hey! I don't have to tell you losers anything. Are you going to help me or not?" 

"We'll help you," responded Raimundo. "But first you have to get us the Reversing Mirror." 

Jack couldn't get the Reversing Mirror, but it seemed to him like the monks didn't know this. He was evil again, so he knew he could use this to his advantage. "Um, I don't have it with me. How about I give it to you after we get Tako from Chase and Wuya?" 

"Are you sure you can even get the Shen Gong Wu?" Clay drawled. 

"Of course I can," Jack responded defensively. "I would just rather give it to you afterward. Let's go, we haven't much time." 

And with that, Jack was allied with the Xiaolin monks yet again.


End file.
